tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post2705372686636652067..comments2024-01-27T19:39:23.001-05:00Comments on Our Amazing, Beautiful, Crazy Life: As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us… Joanne @ Our ABC Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01058789135966108669noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post-33093809644637115182014-04-27T19:42:08.587-04:002014-04-27T19:42:08.587-04:00Right and I am not even expecting either child to ...Right and I am not even expecting either child to understand what it truly MEANS to forgive. It is the words of forgiveness and gesture (a hug or something) that helps resolve the conflict and will get them in the habit of forgiving for in the future when they are 9-10 years old and have the capacity for understanding forgivenessJoanne @ Our ABC Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01058789135966108669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post-85121579171696492212014-04-27T19:39:49.097-04:002014-04-27T19:39:49.097-04:00Our motto is "Expect the Best" and if di...Our motto is "Expect the Best" and if did it does not happen so be it but the expectation has to be there.Joanne @ Our ABC Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01058789135966108669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post-45990441636913868142014-04-27T19:38:50.587-04:002014-04-27T19:38:50.587-04:00Well interestingly enough, E got ignored in her &q...Well interestingly enough, E got ignored in her "Do you forgive me" a few days after… or shot down rather with "No" and that was an awesome teaching point because I could tell E was sad/disappointed that R told her "No". I'm going to do a post on it… maybe. <br /><br />Child psychology is super interesting. Have you read The Whole Brain Child?Joanne @ Our ABC Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01058789135966108669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post-19491202472479581562014-04-16T23:08:07.973-04:002014-04-16T23:08:07.973-04:00I was taught in Early Childhood classes that you a...I was taught in Early Childhood classes that you are not supposed to force a child to give an apology b/c they're little minds couldn't understand what an apology was. HOWEVER, I disagreed with it then and still disagree with it now. I understand what the class/book was trying to say, that preschool age children don't have the concept of what "I'm sorry or "I apologize" means, but if you can teach them to associate the words with their disrespectful actions/behavior, they can, at that age, began to understand how these words relate to the heart and mind. Examples: "I am sorry I knocked over your block castle." "I am sorry I hit you b/c I was mad at you(for whatever reason)." "I'm sorry I bumped into you." <br /><br />This begins to teach them to associate feelings with behavior and how they react to it. After a few times of "I'm sorry I knocked over your block castle.", they will begin to realize this is something they should not do b/c the other child doesn't like it and has been upset enough to lash out towards them in words, have their feelings hurt, and sometimes get physical. I've always taught them to state why they need to say they are sorry. Sometimes, it's just a simple bump into someone while sitting or lining up. It's not always just about "wrong doing", it can be an accidental incident where you want to teach politeness to another human and acknowledge something accidental happened. It's not an excuse, it's an acknowledgement of feelings, theirs and others.<br /><br />I do like the "Do you forgive me?" part. Even as an adult, this is something I need to think on more of doing. It stands out for me to think of how the whole thing went down and how much me and the other person have played a part in what the apology called for. Look how much God has forgiven me for, and yet I'm going to struggle to forgive another...for probably something so petty? Forgiveness, for young children, is probably something that may take them a while to understand since their attention is smaller and they move on from things so quickly as opposed to adults who'll dwell on wrongdoing, but this is not something to give up on when trying to establish it early. <br /><br />And yes, preschool age children are far more capable of things than adults give them credit for. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post-39563853225357177522014-04-15T22:10:59.255-04:002014-04-15T22:10:59.255-04:00Interpersonal neurobiology is my favorite and I am...Interpersonal neurobiology is my favorite and I am constantly trying to figure everything out, so we are in the same boat! I apologize if this gets lengthy. Being concise is not a strength of mine.<br /><br />I think the key is to differentiate between emotional learning (kids are very capable of this) and higher level thinking (prefrontal cortex is not developed in kids). Kids are very capable of learning empathy, which I believe is the heart of forgiveness *and* remorse, but of course that takes time and is experiential because, well, it's emotional. Kids really learn best through experience anyway. You know, "play is a child's work" etc. (This is why play therapy is so effective.) They watch you being empathetic to others, they experience empathy from you, you help them process their feelings and talk about them with boundaries in place (you can't hurt other people, etc.), and they develop emotionally that way. You are teaching your kids SO much more than you even realize... it's not really about logically reasoning with them, but about modeling and showing them what it looks like to be a good person. Their little right brains are absorbing all of it. <br /><br />I'm really not sure how much a 3 or 4-year-old would get out of a conversation over several hours/time-outs about why she should forgive someone. She can feel genuine remorse/forgiveness, but she can't reason about it very much at all. E's "Oh God said so, so I will do what God says" logic is a great example of how far a kid that age can go with logic. An example of consequences to me would be saying "You can still be mad at that other child, but you can't say mean things to them, and if you say mean things to them, you have a 5 minute time out to calm down so you can be polite again." I really like natural consequences whenever possible because it connects to that concrete thinking of little kids. I'm not sure little ones whose consequence is hours later (no dessert or whatever) can really connect the consequence to the earlier event... cause and effect works best when immediate. Another example: a child had a temper tantrum and threw all their toys everywhere, so the consequence *once they calm down* is to clean them up. <br /><br />I think that talking through how others feel can also be really helpful, but it won't work too well if that kid is really upset because the right brain has taken over. "Wow, your friend said he's sorry. Do you remember ever saying sorry and the person ignored you? What does it feel like to be ignored?" Not in an angry tone, just a curious one, to get the kid thinking and empathizing about the specific topic they are learning.<br /><br />Of course, as that 3 year old gets older, they can reason more and more, so conversations are more meaningful. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post-20992687826262642072014-04-14T22:13:38.196-04:002014-04-14T22:13:38.196-04:00We either have to say "I'm sorry, do you ...We either have to say "I'm sorry, do you forgive me" or "I'm sorry, how can I help?".<br />And yes, I think forcing kids is the best thing; they are far more capable of things than most adults give them credit for!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post-17375721789606490742014-04-14T21:33:00.020-04:002014-04-14T21:33:00.020-04:00Hmmm… interesting points. I too have thought about...Hmmm… interesting points. I too have thought about the capability to forgive and really understanding it. To me at this age, saying "I forgive you" is more of getting into the habit of forgiving and opening open the conversation after the "I am sorry." I guess to me, it is kind of like training the 3 yr old to say "Excuse me" when she is interrupting adults. Does she really understand what she is saying especially when she says "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me" until she is responded to? Clearly not, but there is some seeds of good intent. <br /><br />With your line of thinking, can children really grasp the concept of "I am sorry"? Take the forgiveness part of this out of the equation. Should kids say they are sorry? Why do kids say they are sorry? Because they really are remorseful? Because it is what they are told they should do if they do something wrong? I really don't know. <br /><br />I will admit. The first time it happened I got upset with her about it. But this time I took a very - the ball is in your court approach so say it if you want. Which obviously she didn't. Then once she had some time to think about everything we talked about how to better deal with future situations. This time I did not get emotionally involved which I think is key. <br /><br />I'll have to delve deeper into The Whole Brain Child book and see. <br /><br />All this stuff with kids is oh so very interesting and I appreciate your insights. Joanne @ Our ABC Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01058789135966108669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4329724433347472621.post-9783564854919442092014-04-14T20:59:13.476-04:002014-04-14T20:59:13.476-04:00I wonder how effective it is to force a child to f...I wonder how effective it is to force a child to forgive. I mean, can we really *make* someone forgive someone else? Young children are developmentally not really capable of understanding forgiveness in the true sense anyway. That's a very abstract, complex concept. I also think people are allowed their feelings, and often forcing young kids to apologize essentially invalidates their feelings because they don't have the reasoning skills to differentiate. Sure, you can force your child to be polite (which seems valuable to me, as long as feelings are also validated), but if this is a "heart issue" then it can't really be forced on/punished into a kid. I feel similarly about forcing a kid to apologize. That doesn't mean there aren't consequences for hurting another person (restorative justice for the win!), but we can't *make* someone feel bad if they don't. It's better to have consequences that teach compassion rather than forcing an apology, I think. As far as teaching forgiveness, it seems that modeling forgiveness, having lots of conversations based on developmental level, and very consistent boundaries/rules/consequences will go further in the long term. <br /><br />I think a lot of the time parents are essentially shamed by society into having "perfect" kids who act like adults, so we really want our kids to act a certain way RIGHT NOW. The reality (to me at least) is that this widespread impatience with a child's development isn't really helpful in the long term of their moral/emotional/spiritual development. It might even teach them that adults care more about appearances than substance. (I don't think your kids will get that impression from you though because you seem like a really genuine person.) I'm also not saying we don't provide boundaries, consequences, rules, etc for kids, but we have to consider their brain development and what will really instill values. <br /><br />Obviously, just my two cents, as wordy as they were! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com